Sometimes, the greatest dreams are the ones your heart fears -r.m. drake

 

I thought when I woke up things would be fine, sleep off my worries and stress and start a beautiful new day. I was still holding onto something though, what? Well I don't even know. I was overwhelmed, upset and had no idea why. I went to church for Easter service and was trying to find some answer in what was being said. I didn't find an answer, but I did find ease of mind just being in church. 

I went back home, fell asleep hoping this time when I wake I will be in a better mood. No change.

After heading to Easter brunch at a friend's house I came to terms with things. I am truly scared, I am nervous even though I do like really him. He's new to having a serious relationship and he doesn't know right from wrong, but I've never been the one to tell a person what to do or what not to do. I don't want to be that girl to hold him back from doing everything in his life, but I also don't want to end up hurt. Every relationship is different, different likes, different tastes, different annoyances, different quirks, but in the end there is one thing in common: you care about him and he cares about you, that should be enough right? 

New relationships are exciting and fun, but there comes a time when things do get serious and you do have to see things for what they are. You find the little things that make you tick, but you don't really want to tell them. The hardest part is being completely vulnerable. Telling a person everything that hurts, worries and scares you. It is like playing poker blind, and let me tell you I'm a terrible poker player to begin with. 

I don't want to run away from something that could be the best thing to happen to me, but I don't want to get hurt either. But it is true the things you are scared of are usually the most worthwhile. 

Leap into the unknown

When did I get so scared of dating? I use to love going on dates, meeting new guys and potentially meet someone, The One, who I could see myself with for the rest of my life. Four months after yet another failed relationship I am finding myself shying away from commitment. I use to crave commitment. I would meet a guy and want him all to myself, but now that I have someone, a guy I really have taken a liking to, calling me his girlfriend. WHERE IS THE PANIC BUTTON? Why can't that Staples "Easy" button actually work for this situation? Hit the button, "well this is easy," and let it be.

This is the first guy since my previous serious relationship I have given an actual chance. He is extremely handsome, funny, kind but most of all treats me right and likes everything about me! Okay, so what is the problem?

The problem rises from my past. My heart is protecting itself. I don't want to get hurt again. My previous boyfriends have all started out nice and caring, but broke my heart, who says this won't be the same?

It's Saturday night I'm at home, alone, watching Netflix; not by choice I wanted to go out, but apparently it's couples night in good old SLC. He is at the bar with his two best guy friends and another girl. Oh, I forgot to mention he lives five hours away.

The two word drunk texts are getting old and I am here just over thinking life at the moment. So I turn to my "Touched by an Angel" quote book by my bedside.

April 19: "There are rivers for you to cross, but when you walk through the waters, God will be with you. There are mountains for you to climb. But when you cannot take another step... He will carry you."
Well played God, well played.

So maybe there is a lot of truth in that, maybe I am suppose to climb this mountain of love one more time, but this time remember God will be there to pick me up when I feel like I can't try again or take that next step. So goodnight two word drunken text messages; yes, I will give it my all, but maybe not tonight ;)

Compromise versus changing who you are

According to Webster's Dictionary a compromise is "a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group gives up something that was wanted in order to end an argument or dispute." In all relationships, friendships, families, virtually anything there does need to be compromise. It can't be one sided at all. There has to be a fine balance and it has to be known what the difference between compromise and changing yourself for someone is.

A compromise can be as simple as choosing a movie. This is more of a personal example of my own life, but I have NEVER liked Lord of the Rings or anything along that genre. In a previous relationship my boyfriend at the time was obsessed with LOTR. When the new Hobbit came out I bought him tickets and I decided I wanted to go with him, not because I was excited for it but I knew how much it meant to him. So I sat and watched the first movie and then went with him to the second that night. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't something I would watch on my own. That's a compromise, because I could sacrifice watching my girlie chick flicks for a night so I could go to something he wanted to see. That's not changing who I am. I never lied and said that I was in love with the movie, I never said they are my favorite to get his interest.

Changing who you are to appease someone is never a good thing. If you don't like football, let them know. Trust me you can't lie about your interests forever. I know I would prefer if someone was up front with me about something rather than try and lie through it to show common interests. If a guy told me they liked hockey and I went to a game with him or watched a game with him, and it turned out that he had no clue what was going on I would be more disappointed than flattered.

Compromises are good, make sure you do them in every aspect of your life. Life is all about balance and the relationships you come across need to be balanced as well. If you pick the movie one day let your friend pick the next. If you really want to do something remember to compromise and see if you can fit in what the other person may want to do as well. You have to give as much as you take, and you have to remember don't change who you are. There is a big difference between compromise and changing yourself to appease others. 

You are good enough

RELAX

You are enough,

You have enough,

You do enough.

A lot of us can proudly say we aren't a bully. We don't bully, fight with or talk down to other people. We respect one another and live the golden rule. But in reality we are all bullies... bullies to ourselves. Would you ever dare say the things you say to yourself to another human being?

Imagine, instead of saying "I'm fat" to yourself you turn to your friend sitting next to you and say "you're fat." You probably would never do such a thing, so why would we do it to ourselves?

I was asked one time "would you want to date your inner voice?" If you say no well you need to start being nicer, because like I've said before at the end of it all if you don't love yourself you can never truly love someone else.

We live in a world where there is this constant struggle to be better than the person next to us, money rules the world and the beautiful people win, that's how we perceive it at all. It takes a toll on us as individuals trying to live an everyday life. We need to stop comparing ourselves to other people and stop thinking we aren't good enough and just be us. 

I struggled so much and I can admit still struggle with "trying to be good enough," or "never feeling good enough," in basically every aspect of my life. In dating, I don't feel good enough because I'm not the prettiest, or I don't have the most money, or I'm not the most fun, or I'm not like their ex...Well on the last point, NEWS FLASH it's a good thing you're not like their ex, it didn't work out for a reason, don't sit and try to compare yourself to them. In school, I don't feel good enough because I don't have the best grades, or I don't study enough, or I don't answer enough questions, or the teacher doesn't know my name. Don't worry those are the little things in life. In 10 years you won't look back and remember the grade you got on your midterm paper for Professor Johnson's class, you'll remember the experiences and the memories. In sports I don't feel good enough because I don't get the attention I need, or I am not the best on the team, or people don't talk to me, or I'm struggling with my body image. Ask yourself why do you do your sport? Do you do it for what everyone else thinks or do you do it because you love it? Would you love it if you weren't the best and if you didn't get the praise you wanted? In life in general, I don't feel good enough because I am not smart, I struggle, I am poor, I don't have nice clothes, I'm not pretty, I am fat, I am not like everyone else. Well good you're not like everyone else congratulations. YOU ARE YOU! You are unique and an individual and you are beautiful, smart, funny, dress well, and hey guess what? EVERYONE STRUGGLES, it's life.

You are good enough and you need to tell yourself that everyday. Do this right now. Take out a piece of paper. Write down where you were in your life five years ago, if you don't want to do five do three or even ten, depends what you're feeling. Write down who your friends were, your income, your goals, your dreams, anything. Look at that really hard, now write down everything in the present. STOP LOOKING AT HOW FAR YOU HAVE TO GO AND START REALIZING JUST HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME!

You are good enough because you are still here living your life every single day! You are good enough because you are you! Don't you EVER let ANYONE tell you your self worth. Don't let ANYONE make you feel that you aren't good enough because honestly if that's how you are feeling you don't need those people in your life. Surround yourself with those who will lift you up and make you a better person, not tear you down and make you doubt who you are and what you are worth.

You are amazing simply because you are you.

For DB. 

Forgive to give yourself peace

One of the most powerful bible verses sounds so simple, but when you put it to work it has the power to change your life.

"Love one another as I have loved you" - John 13:34.

This verse came to me right before a rough breakup. I was thinking about the things I would get upset about, or the things I couldn't forgive. That's when it hit me, we have to love each other the way He has loved us. Mainly with forgiveness.

"Forgive other not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace" - Rafiki Meditating - Lion King

Forgiving someone can be the hardest thing you do. You may not even realize they have truly hurt you until you can't get past what they did. A lot of times we can't forgive because we had no control of the situation and as humans that scares us, we need to be in control. The trouble with all of this is is that you can't move forward in life if the past is holding you back.

"The worst thing you can do is become cold because of past experiences and ruin your future experiences" -Unknown

If as a child you went through a rough upbringing and your parents weren't the greatest, why wouldn't you want to strive for a better life for your future? Why would you just sit and blame all of your problems on them and the live you had before? You are in the present and you have the power to live your life the way you want to. Instead of saying you don't want to be like your parents, put your words into actions. Don't dwell on the things you unfortunately can't change, rather forgive and live your life the way you want to see it.

Forgiving is truly one of the hardest things a person has to do, but once you forgive you can be at peace. It doesn't mean the other person is right, or you will be fully healed, but it does mean you can start to have peace in the situation.

You have to love yourself first

1. Take out a piece of paper; write down the things that you love. This shouldn't be too hard because if you have to think about it, then chances are you don't truly love it. 
2.  Look at everything you have written down, do you truly love it?
3. Ask yourself if the love is based on feelings? 
4. If it is a person and you tell them that you love them, would they look at you and say "I know?"
5. Did you write yourself on your list?

Sometimes we can get so caught up in loving other people and making other people happy that we tend to forget about ourselves. Some people define who they are by the person they date or the people they are around.

Are you able to say you act the same around different groups of people? Do you change who you are to be accepted into those groups? Of course we are going to have moments where we may have to change our lingo, tone of voice and subject matter, but do you change who you truly are for certain people?

'Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.' 
- Dr. Seuss 

Can you look in a mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful and believe it? Can you be alone and enjoy your own company without texting or social media? Are you able to be on your own with your thoughts? 

YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!

Before having another person tell you that you're beautiful or attractive, before having someone become a constant in your life you have to be able to say that you truly love yourself and everything you stand for, because you can lose that while loving someone else.

There is someone in this world who is going to love you for exactly who you are. Your silly quirks, your jokes, your smile, your brains, your personality and honestly your beauty on the inside and out. Don't change who you are for someone because at the end of the day if all else fails you will only have yourself and if you change the person you love, you may be truly alone.